letting go...

i brought my poem book today.. this is actually a collection of my poems which i have composed wayback in high-school up to college.. i love writing poems, as well as novels and short stories.. i find solace and sanctuary with these literary pieces that i create..

as i was browsing through the pages, i noticed that i keep stopping on page 87, the one that has the title, "Letting Go".. this one poem was dedicated to me by someone who was quite special in my life.. no, he was not boyfriend.. he was actually someone who helped me believe in myself and learn to trust other people.. oh.. and he also helped me a lot in my literary skills, if that's how you call it. his name is Allen Rosario Dulag, a confidant and a true friend.. sadly, after we graduated in college, we parted ways... inasmuch as i, or we, would love to rekindle our kinship, there were a lot of factors that hinder us to be together.. factors that both of us would never divulge to anyone, not even to our wary souls..

i fondly called him mojacko, and i was his mojari.. his call sign was fungi, mine was mushroom.. when we bicker in front of our buddies, i call him "predator", and i'm his "prey".. allen and i don't usually spend time alone together.. we'd rather stay in touch with our small circle of friends than to draw suspicion among our peers.. get the drift?

anyway, two weeks before we got our diploma, we had some sort of falling out.. a misunderstanding which led to a heated exchange of words... which made him write a poem for me.... after i read his missive, i regreted saying bad things to him.. now i kind of miss his presence... come to think of it, i guess the reason his poem keeps appearing on my book is because in two days time, it's gonna be his birthday.. ahh.. time flies.. in 2 days time, he'll be turning 29.. my two favorite numbers.. 2 and 9..

to mojacko... if by chance, you've stumbled upon this blog o' mine, i hope we could still get together as friends and settle our differences.. your mojari is now all grown up.. i may no longer be as little as a mushroom, but i'm still the same.. strong, rapidly evolving... and pasulpot-sulpot pa rin..

okay.. here was the poem that he composed and gave to me after our graduation.. i just want to share...

Letting Go..

Sometimes, I wish we'd never met...
sometimes, i wish, things were easy to forget..
i wish i had to look the other way,
i wish i knew then what to say...

why did our paths have to meet?
why did you have to be so sweet?
why did my feelings have to grow?
and now, why do i have to let it go..

i hate myself for always thinking of you,
i hate myself for longing to be with you,
i hate myself for dreaming of things
which would never come true,
and i hate myself for supressing this feeling for you...

you don't seem to see the little things i do,
and it only leaves me feeling blue..
you leave me hanging in the air,
trying to figure out if you really cared...

i'm not sure how you feel,
and i don't know if what you show is real,
sadly i realize, magic spells aren't true, you see..
and miracles never did happen to me...

So 'd rather take my heart back
while it is still beating
and save my heartbeats while i still can
before it finally gets out of hand..

so please don't balme me for the way i act,
i guess i haven't accepted the fact...
i know now that it's silly to wish you near,
but i wish you would have known,
that my emotions were real..

thanks for the time, thanks for the attention,
thanks for the things that i thought was affection,
i hope you remember me once in a while,
and wherever you go, always show your smile..

to let you go is not easy but i can try
but to say, i can forget you is a big big lie,
for no matter what i say,
and no matter what i do,
i know that i have to let you go,
even if i don't want to..

............mojacko allen